Am I Where I Want To Be?
I’m writing this on my half-birthday, and I find, ‘Are you where you want to be in life right now’ to be a rather compelling question. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I am pretty stress free. Stress free almost to the point of losing any and all motivation. I literally had to internally scream at myself to write this. Is it inertia or is it contentment? Is it where I want to be?
Yes. I never knew I would be this happy as a literal potato just potating through life these days. I never realized that all of the work ethic, motivation, and discipline I had been complimented on my whole life was actually just a way for me to put verbs behind my misery and give me the false confidence to potentially outrun it. At the start of the pandemic, I nearly lost my mind having to sit still with myself and wait. Now I embrace solitude.
Of course, I do not have it all materially speaking. Yesterday, I did the laundry and noticed that 90% of my wardrobe are ratty shorts and t-shirts to lounge around in. I have designer stuff, but I barely use it. I have it just to have it, if that makes any sense. I drive a luxury car that sits in the parking garage for days on end because it’s cheaper for me to schlep to the office via one bus, a train, and a brief walk. I live in a beautiful area, but I live in a micro-unit because why wouldn’t I? I’ve lived alone in four bedroom houses. It’s stupid.
I don’t have a relationship, I have a nice enough friends with benefits thing going on, and I’m probably called sad and mocked for dying alone, and my response to that is, “I can’t wait.” There are only two men in my life who wouldn’t screw up my death somehow. My last ex would probably mansplain to me that I was dying wrong, and he could die totally better and in a much more efficient way. I like being selfish right now. If I run into ‘the one’ I run into him. I’m not going to go out looking. Turns out, I’m a fucking catch and I will have a hard time giving this fine piece of ass up for anyone else.
I’m not as fit as I once was after suffering from middle age, which if I had a phobia it would be becoming… not in shape. I know, the horror. It’s funny, it took my therapist almost a decade to convince me that my commitment to fitness was actually a form of self harm. The body is good, the body is going to change, no one escapes it. I am where I want to be when it comes to honoring my body with rest and nourishment. It’s not lost on me that when my exercise came down, so did my other vices.
Am I where I want to be with my career? Yes and no. I have a fantastic position in a field I literally built out of sheer willpower. The only thing lacking is a passion for it. I don’t like marketing. I don’t wake up jazzed to do it. I have tried to get away from marketing and try other things I’m passionate about, but here I am, back in marketing. I’m done fighting it as my life’s mission is now a quest for peace and not war. I’m naturally good at something that pays well. Cool. I am passionate about creative things I can pursue because of my career, and those pursuits help my career, too. I have a corner office in downtown Chicago. I made it after all, huh.
So, after a lot of hard work, wins, and losses, I would say that I am exactly where I want to be in life with a few minor adjustments on the horizon to make it even better. Nothing all that different had to happen to get me here besides a growing love for myself and taking care of me the way I want to be taken care of.